Sacrifice 06

It had only been a few hours since Rufus had brought Alicia to Asgard, and already he found it difficult to stay away from her. He felt a constant need to be in her presence, needing to see her with his own eyes, and hear her voice. She filled his thoughts, Rufus being unable to think about anything else. Not that he wanted to, finding thoughts of her made for a pleasant diversion.

Some part of him wanted to doubt the reality he found himself in, fearing this was nothing more than a dream. He’d pinch himself if he wasn’t so scared of waking up, not wanting to find her gone, leaving him all alone once more. He didn’t think he could bear that, felt his heart would be torn in two, if she proved to be nothing more than a figment of his imagination.

Assurances rolled through his mind, whispering that if this was a dream, Alicia would have her memories intact. That he wouldn’t torment himself with an Alicia that didn’t remember him, an Alicia that for all intents and purposes he wasn’t allowed to touch. And above all things he craved that forbidden contact, wanting to lose himself in the feel of her skin.

Alicia. He tried to tell himself that it didn’t matter that he couldn’t touch her. That he had gone without the feel of her in his arms for so long, never knowing what she felt like except in times of crisis. How odd that he would cherish the times they had been in danger, if only for the fact that Rufus had been able to take her into his protective embrace. Expressing with a touch the love he could not give voice too.

Rufus often thought if he had told her point blank that he had loved her, Alicia would have chosen a different route. Perhaps then she would have allowed Brahms to be the host for the three Valkyrie spirits, instead of volunteering her own body. He often thought about how different things would have been if that had happened. It depressed him, and yet he couldn’t help himself, thinking about the happy future he and Alicia could have had.

But now we have a second chance. Rufus thought, though he did not smile at the happy thought. And this time we are free…free of Odin, and of Lezard, and the Valkryie’s interference. The Valkyrie spirits were still out there, floating around in limbo, waiting to be called to service. Rufus kept all three slumbering in mortals, knowing the sight of them would prove too painful. Lenneth he was indifferent too, not knowing much about the silver haired woman. A part of him could have blamed her, finding she was the reason behind Lezard’s insane quest. Hrist he came close to hating, having never gotten along with the black haired Valkyrie. As for Silmeria, though he called her friend, he found she was simply a painful reminder of the woman he had lost.

And thus Rufus had chosen to allow no Valkyries to have a place in his kingdom. It had been an unpopular choice, the Gods arguing with him over the need for einherjar. Rufus had scowled and scoffed, pointing out they had more than enough warrior spirits crowding in Valhalla, and if need be, the Gods could go down and collect them themselves. Surprisingly enough, the number of spirits in Valhalla had increased, the Gods being almost over zealous in gathering them up. Rufus had to again put his foot down, and actually install a limit on how many einherjar could be collected.

It was just one of the many problems he dealt with. And for a time he welcomed them, looking forward to the distraction they provided. It kept Rufus from thinking on his private pain, kept him from despairing over Alicia. But it was at night when it was the hardest, dreams taunting him with replaying their final moments, making him cry and scream, rant and rave like a madman.

If the Gods heard his tantrums, they kept such news to themselves, perhaps reasoning that as long as he did a good job, what did it matter what Rufus did in the privacy of his own bedroom. And so it became a game to him, Rufus seeing how many nights he could go without sleep. Not that he was that prone to being tired, an aura of vitality infused him, Godly strength granting him the ability to forgo sleep if he so chose. It made for restless nights, Rufus pacing the halls of Valhalla, walking it’s corridors in a daze.

Much like he was doing now, and even now it showed how much Alicia was on his mind. For he found himself outside his bedroom, hesitating before the door. He reached for the handle, quietly opening the door. One foot after the other, letting the carpet muffle his footsteps as he drew closer to the bed. He stared down at Alicia, almost envying her ability to sleep without trouble.

Rufus studied her, seeing the blankets tangled around her body. Her face was relaxed, free of the tension that surrounded her since he had brought her to Asgard. Rufus found himself wishing she could be like this when she was awake, the man longing to see her smile. I’d give my kingdom to see her smile at me. He thought with a sigh.

He continued to gaze at her, noting with envy the hair that curled around the sides of her face, the golden strands caressing her cheeks in the way he longed to.

He was like a starving man, with a grand feast spread out before him, a meal he couldn’t partake of—not without strict repercussions. He could only look, even as Rufus leaned over her, staring down at her sleeping face. He was careful to hold himself still, hovering above her, his hands going to land on either side of her shoulders. Close but not touching, respecting her boundaries as best he could.

He sighed, deeply inhaling her scent, letting it tease and tantalize his nostrils. It was almost his undoing, Rufus wanting to bury his nose in her hair, rub his face in her golden mane. He quivered with the effort of controlling himself, still looking at her. She sighed, her lips parting, and he stared longingly. What could be the harm in a kiss? He wondered. She wouldn’t have to know…he could do a chaste pressing of lips, stealing a kiss from her.

Rufus was still debating whether or not to do it, when Alicia moaned. Her chest which had been rising and falling in the steady rythm of sleep, moved faster now, breath coming out in panicked gulps. He started to pull back, even as she let out a wild scream, the sound full of pain and terror. Her hand which had been clutching the bed sheet, moved to her side, fingers gripping at her dress hard enough to tear the delicate material.

More screams from her, Alicia trying to sit up, and then she was in his arms. All but sobbing as she cried out again and again, body racked with fierce shaking. He hugged her, feeling a perverse thrill to find her clinging to him, Rufus cursing himself for enjoying her fear. But he couldn’t stop himself from being glad, from wanting her to stay frightened so he could hold her, offer his comfort to her.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” He said soothingly, his one hand finding it’s way into her hair. Over and over he ran his hand down her mane, petting her in an attempt to calm her. Her screams lessened in intensity, and she took in shaky breaths of air. “Alicia…” He wasn’t sure what he did wrong, but suddenly she was stiffening in his arms, hands pushing against his chest in an attempt to get away from him. Already he mourned the loss of her, and it was a struggle not to take hold of her. He lost, reaching out, only to have her slap his hand away from her.

They talked for a while, Alicia accusing him of changing her dreams. He tried not to let his excitement show, feeling she was one step closer to remembering. His joy was short-lived, Rufus noticing the Ring of Mylynn was missing from her finger. Disappointment was in his eyes, even as she offered up an excuse. He found himself reaching to take hold of the ring, encouraging her to wear it once more. Encourage was an understatement, he gave her no choice in the matter, slipping the ring onto her hand.

He felt frustrated by her insistence that the ring had no effect on her, that memories didn’t arise in it’s touch. Rufus cast about, trying to think of something that would encourage the memories to blossom. A thought came to him, a silly hopeless idea that couldn’t possible work. “Could you kiss the ring?” He asked as he let go of her hand. “Like you see the woman do in your dream…?”

“Why?” Suspicion was in her eyes, Alicia not trusting his intentions.

“Please…humour me.” He offered her a smile, making her sigh. But she did as he asked, raising her hand up to her face. Her movements were slow, and Rufus held his breath, staring at her as she did it. She surprised him by looking him in the eye as she favored the ruby with her kiss, Rufus feeling a twinge of envy. Never before had he wished to be a piece of glass as badly as he did now!

He almost missed the change in her eyes, missed seeing the light fade from the blue. Her expression turned wooden, Alicia staring through him as her hand went to fall limply in her lap. “Alicia?” He said her name, voice oozing with worry. She didn’t respond, still looking glassy eyed and expressionless. Concerned he took her by the shoulders, giving her a slight shake. It didn’t rouse her, she continued to stare.

Rufus pulled away, ready to raise the alarm, shout for Eir to come see to her, when Alicia moved. Her hand lifted up to her face, and to his astonishment she kissed the ring once more. It was a long drawn out kiss, and slowly awareness seeped back into her eyes.

“What was that?!” Alicia asked, confusion in her eyes.

“Did something happen?” Rufus asked, his voice level, not betraying the emotions he felt.

She answered him, words coming out slow and unsteady. “I…I saw something.” A pause, and then she gasped, eyes narrowing at him. “Did you have anything to do with the vision?!” Rufus quickly shook his head no, seeing her glare harder at him. “You did, didn’t you?! You’re trying to play a trick on me!”

“Alicia no!”

“Yes! Yes you are!” She was insistent, anger boiling to the surface of her emotions. “You’re messing with my mind!” Accusations flew, one after the other. “Trying to confuse me, trying to make me believe I’m this Alicia person!” She didn’t give him a chance to defend himself, talking over his voice. “You’re a God! You have the power to do whatever you like! It must be child’s play to get into a human’s head!”

Now she fell silent, breathing heavily, still glaring. “Alicia I swear…whatever you saw, it wasn’t me doing it.” Rufus spoke quickly, worried she would start talking over

him once more. “I wouldn’t mess with your mind, I wouldn’t risk doing damage to you like that.”

“How can you expect me to believe anything you say?” Alicia asked, voice quiet as she stared into his eyes, trying to search out the truth of his words.

“I would never lie to you. Please, you must believe me.” Rufus said urgently, begging her with every fiber in his being to hear his words as the truth. Instead she looked away, hands raising to rub at her arms. She was quiet for a long time, making him wonder what direction her thoughts went to. “Alicia?” She looked at him then, still hugging herself, the Ring of Mylynn twinkling on her hand.

“I’m frightened.” She said at last, her voice a soft whisper.

“Frightened?” echoed Rufus. “Of what…?”

“Of the dreams…and…”

“And?” He prodded when she fell silent.

She looked at him, eyes nervous. “And of you.”

“Me?!” It was as though she had slapped him in the face, Rufus’ expression turning crestfallen. “Why? I would never harm you!”

“I don’t know that!” She shook her head. “I don’t know you. You’re a stranger to me.”

“A stranger…” Sadness seeped into his voice, Rufus sighing. “I suppose that’s true. You lack the memories of what we’ve been through together. But Alicia, you must trust me when I say I am your friend.”

“A friend wouldn’t kidnap me.” She said pointedly. “A friend would let me go home, let me see my family!” She was growing agitated, flinging out her words like a weapon, one he had no defense against.

“I’m sorry…” He fought not to lower his eyes, not to hide from her in shame. “But I can’t…”

“There’s a difference between can’t and won’t. I suggest you learn it!” Alicia said. She looked at him, a hint of slyness to that expression of hers. “Would Alicia want you to do this to her?”

“I…”

“Would she want you to take her away from everything she knows, everything she loves?!” She demanded, eyes flashing with her anger.

“No…” He sighed out the admittance. “But then…Alicia was different from you. She had no family…no home to cling to.” Indeed her family had been Rufus. Rufus and Silmeria, and the einherjar she called friends. The Alicia of his memories would be happy to be in Asgard, as long as she could be among those that she loved.

“That’s right.” Alicia said, and he looked at her in surprise. “She was different from me, because we are not the same person. Rufus…please…” She nerved herself to touch him, placing her small hand on the back of his. He nearly melted at the unasked for touch, going stone still, not even daring to breathe. “Try and see that. Try and understand…I just look like her…But I am not her!”

“The soul is the same.” He knew he was being stubborn, but he couldn’t help himself. “Alicia’s soul, the one I thought lost forever is within you…it burns, a white hot flame of purity that surrounds you. She’s there…waiting to be brought out.”

“What about me?” She asked, fingers squeezing his hand. “What about Alana…would you destroy her in your quest to restore Alicia?”

Rufus had no answer for her then. At least not one he could voice! Alana wasn’t real to him, not in the way that Alicia was, and he realized with a start he gave little care towards what happened to her. His guilt must have shone in her eyes, because she was removing her hand, staring sadly at him.

“I am a person.” She said, words careful and slow. “I have feelings, I have hopes. Dreams, aspirations. I exist. Alana exists. Don’t you think she has a right at life?”

“This is all wrong.” Rufus whispered. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way!”

“What is?” She wanted to know. “That I am my own person? Or did you expect me to fall into your arms and be what—who you wanted me to be?!” He was staring at her, confusion and horror mixing together, making him want to flee. “No! Don’t go!” She cried out when he got off the bed. “You can’t keep running away from me just because you don’t want to face the truth!”

“Alicia—-Alana…” It was one of the only time he had addressed her by her current name. And she smiled, a pain filled expression at hearing her name on his lips.

“Yes Alana…not Alicia…”

“I…” He shook his head, trying to form the words. “If you would only remember…please…I don’t want to destroy you. I want to love you!”

“Don’t hide behind love…” She advised him. “Not for this…”

“Alicia…” It was too easy to call her that, and he saw her flinch back as though the name hurt her. “Her memories, her experience…I would not have them replace Alana’s. But…I would have you remember, and see…weigh the two lives, and see what you would choose. If in remembering the past, remembering who you used to be, you could still say you wanted to be Alana…wanted to go back…” He closed his eyes, swallowing nervously. “Then I would return you to your family.”

She was crying, silent tears streaming down her cheeks. He hated to see her cry, and he sat back down on the bed, reaching out to touch her face. She let him, let him stroke his thumbs under her eyes, wipe away the blossoming tears.

“What if I never remember?” She sniffled. “What then? Would you keep me here for all eternity?”

“I…” A rueful expression then. “I haven’t thought this through very well.”

“I don’t think you think at all.” Alicia said. “Not about anything but your own desires.”

“Perhaps you’re right.” He admitted with a sigh. “I’m being selfish but I don’t know how to stop.”

“Is it true time has no meaning in Asgard?”

Her question surprised him, Rufus wondering where she had heard that. “Yes.”

“So time will be stopped for me, but go on for my family?” The thought seemed to make her cry harder. “Will you keep me here until they are all dead, until everyone who knows me is gone from life and I am left all alone…?” A loud sob then. “Until I’m as alone as you are?”

“No…NO!!” He shook his head. He wanted to say she’d always have him, but he knew that wouldn’t bring her comfort.

“But if you keep me here until I remember…and that never happens…” sniffled Alicia.

He flattened his expression, a thought occurring to him then. “I’ll make a deal with you.”

“A deal?” He was still touching her face, still attempt to wipe away her tears, futile though the gesture was.

“Yes…Give me just one year to convince you.” He pleaded his case to her. “A year of Midgard’s time…365 days…time enough to see if your—Alicia’s memories will surface. If they don’t, and you still want to go home. I…” He closed his eyes, feeling his own urge to cry. “I will send you back.”

No new tears fell, hope shining in the blue of her eyes. “Do you really mean that?”

“I give you my word as ruler of the Gods. My unbreakable bond…though it pains me to do it.” Rufus said. “But you have to try! Try to remember Alicia! Promise me!” He placed his hands on her shoulders, and gave her a little shake.

“I will! I will!” She said, nodding rapidly.

“Then let us…shake on it.” She eagerly took his hand, lacing her fingers with his. They shook hands, and there was almost a smile on Alicia’s face. He had restored her hope, perhaps at the expense of his own. “Now…try to get some sleep.” He said, regretfully letting go of her hand.

“I…I can’t…” She hastened to explain. “I’m scared of the nightmares…I feel too scared to close my eyes…”

“I could stay with you.” He offered. “Stay to wake you at the first sign of a disturbance.”

“No…” She shook her head. “That’s all right. You don’t have to do that.” She rubbed at her face, trying to dry her cheeks of the tears.

“I know of no Gods of sleep…no Gods of dreams, to help you in your time of need.” Rufus said regretfully.

“Really…I’m fine…” But he could see that she wasn’t, a look of discomfort on her face. He heard a sound, a light rumble that had been repeated several times during his conversation with her. And only now did he realize what that sound meant.

“You’re hungry.” He realized, and she blushed. “I’m sorry…I should have known, should have realized sooner.” A thought then, Rufus wondering what she could eat. It had been ages since he had last partaken of food, finding this divine body of his had little need for the necessities that plagued him as a mortal. Alicia wasn’t as lucky, needing food for nourishment, the half elf realizing he would have to feed her, and feed her on a regular basis to keep her healthy.

“Come…” He stood, and helped her off the bed.

“Where are we going?” She asked curiously.

“I’ve been neglecting your needs.” Rufus said, and he positioned his hands on her waist, pulling her to him. Nervous was the look Alicia gave him, the girl placing her hands on his chest, trying to keep them apart. “It’s time I see to the most basic.” She started to say something, but already the ether was upon them, gently easing them from one place to another…